Exactly one year ago, this time of year – I would be grappling with myself to a point of panting heavily to sleep. That was if I ever got to sleep. Somehow there’s no respite for this innocent man trying to find his way in the world. There’s pain, and it came to visit me like a persistent cat longing for some airtime. There’s anger to myself, sometimes, as it has happened so many times before but I just couldn’t make it permanently deleted from my life.
My work involved a huge level of responsibility and with it, an insane short burst of crazy events. I don’t love it – but from outside looking in, this type of work can only be done by me.
It has low adherence to schedule, although high level of budget flexibility but most of all, it called for outrageous demands to be fulfilled.
These feelings came back, this time bigger, and badder.
These cyclical events prompted me to ponder a few things. Firstly, am I unconsciously bringing this to my life? Am I through the interwoven chain of thoughts and deeds caused this to myself? And am I secretly harboring the wish for adventure that I couldn’t yet get and tried to get via this fancy events in work? Upon closer inspection, I may be the most able person to handle these type of work, but it has to stop. I resolved to not do this work anymore starting 2016.
This time around, while I can sink so low to the point of thinking suicide, I made a remarkable action (pat on the back!) to cope with it with such – let’s just say, grace. Since I made peace with being in the present (thanks to Eckhart Tolle) and meditating regularly, there’s yet to be any burden too hard to shoulder on. And certainly there’s no burden that I couldn’t put my smiley face on. Things I need to continue on doing.
Well last but not least, in a point of sorrow like this, I’m beginning to see it as a good pivot point that I would be forever indebted to. We don’t change when the time’s good, we do change when there’s an oversupply of pain. Looking back, I turned my financial in order due to being in the valley of debt is not good for me – too much pain. I turned away from smoking due to the pain of feeling no control over myself was far more ridiculous. I embraced better eating habits and exercising regularly as the pain of felling lethargic and weak was too painful. This point of sorrow, is a great opportunity for me to plant another seed of will for me to resolve for different lives and actually doing it.
Oh, and all is well.